From day one, my sister Tasha insisted baby Podey was a girl. I have to say I felt the same as her. Luke was convinced a boy...

After I surgery, when I was coming out of anesthesia..I had the most vivid dream. I remember I was laying on bright green grass with lots of green trees and bushes. It was so bright and sunny out. I was wearing yellow and so was the little girl sitting next to me. We were talking. She had long, very blonde hair. At first, I thought it was Norah, but looking now the hair color was far to blonde to be Norah. I didnt get a clear vision of her face...but she was hugging me...and the last thing she said to me before I woke up was "I am going to take care of you, Mommy"...and now, I know that was our precious baby girl. What a gift it was to have that dream. Someday, I will know if it was the anethesia or a vision from God...but for now, I can hold on to the hope that I will get to meet our little one if I could enter the gates of Heaven. And I will strive for that every day here during my life on Earth..

For me and Luke, life begins at conception. I felt that baby. I saw the growth. I felt the stretching and growing pains, the hormonal changes, bodily changes...I know that baby was very much alive inside me.

And while we mourn our loss here on Earth...I  am thankful that I can snuggle and hold my sweet babies that God has gifted and trusted me to raise here...

...and I look forward to the day when I can meet our sweet baby Podey and hold him or her in my arms for the first time.

Baby Podey

Wow. It has been a long time since I have blogged. While we were on our journey to get pregnant with Norah, it helped me to clear my mind. A lot has changed since then, we got our beautiful baby Norah and her crazy brother, Bennett. What a gift they are to us. Challenging at times: yes..but a complete gift from above.

Luke and I have always wanted to have more than 2 kiddos, so the timing just seemed right after my brother Cass's wedding this summer. Norah and Bennett are 2 years apart so we thought "what the heck" we are in this crazy stage now, might as well add our third to the mix. It took about 3/4 months of trying for us this time around, which was minimal compared to our journey with Norah.

On the early Monday morning of November 12, I took a pregnancy test and we were both a little shocked when it read positive. My first trimester went OKAY with lots of headaches and puking only once..Which was the exact same symptoms I had with Bennett and Norah. One difference though, is that baby was growing quickly. I was showing in my 7th and 8th weeks. Baby Podey would be due July 22...I had gone over 4 days with Norah and Bennett, so we were hoping maybe a baby to celebreate Luke's birthday.

The holidays were no feat in hiding a pregnancy with two weddings, thanksgivng, anniversary parties, and Christmas. We ended up having to spoil the news when I was clearly NOT drinking at any of those parties. We told more people than we had with Norah and Bennett...The holiday was great, and we even enjoyed a vacation to Colorado with my family to celebrate my parents 40th birthday.

On January 1, was our sweet Norah's 1st birthday. The best day of 2019. We celebrated with a ride home from CO in the RV with pinatas and lots of birthday songs sang.

January 2. The worst day of 2019. I had my 11 week prenatal ultrasound with our doctor. Luke was running behind and I had gotten in a little earlier than planned, but I told him to come anyway. And I am SO glad I did. Dr Heim tried the dopplar and couldnt find the heartbeat..which was the similar experience as Norah and Bennett. Luke got there after that..Thank God. We went into the ultrasound room where Dr Heim tried to find the baby on the ultrasound...no luck. So, she sent us down to the ultrasound tech. After a normal ultra sound, the tech decided to do the intravaginal ultrasound..This is when it hit me that something could be wrong. I was 11 weeks and shouldnt need that. We went bck upstairs where Dr Heim broke the news...our baby had no heartbeat and died somewhere between 8 and 9 weeks.  I had had a missed miscarriage and my body hadnt recognized it.

To be honest..I have lots of friends who have had miscarriages-but I niaevly had never even thought about the process when no heartbeat is detected. Oh boy.

The following days were a blur, trying to go back to school after break, act like everything was normal when it wasnt. I was still carrying my baby that wasnt alive, trying to be "on stage" with my preschoolers while I was dying inside. Trying to decide which way to go next for my health and to remove the baby from my body. I think that was the hardest...know which way to go. Wait, take a pill, D & C..What would be the best for me to grieve, keep my body safe, remember our baby the right way.

After LOTS of consulting with friends (God bless everyone who helped me). We opted for the D & C. Finally making a decision felt like a million pounds were taken off my shoulders. We had the weekend home with our kiddos and nothing else to do. I am SO grateful for the gift of those kiddos. They offered us relief and laughter..The dose of what I needed. Luke was so helpful in serving me those days. I am also so grateful for his servant and caring heart.

Norah...sweet 4 year old..noticed my heartache...noticed my pain. She also cried with us, prayed with us, and would give us cards and sweet pretend gifts to help ease the sadness. The night before my D&C, she laid in bed with me, held me, and sang "It is Well" by Lauren Diagle with tears rolling down both our faces.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019, we were able to have our D & C. It was a hard day but finally offered some closure for us. We arrived at same day surgery and EVERYONE was wonderful. People who had experience what we had went through mourned with us....Our doctor confirmed our decision was right after removal and what risk I could have had with the size of the placenta. And everything went well.
......

We may never know WHY this happened to us..but I do know this...The women who answered my questions, sent cards, hugs, texts, and shared their personal experiences were a saving grace. I will NEVER hide my story or fail to help another women who is experiencing this. I will mourn their loss with them, help them in their questions, and pray that my friends will have healthy babies.

Bennett 5 months

Oh little buddy how fun you are becoming! You are MOSTLY happy..as long as someone is in front of you entertaining you :) We will chalk that up to daycare and an overactive big sister.

This month you had an exciting month. We had our first big lake stay and you even got to swim in the lake. You loved it!  We had to start food with you because you arent gaining weight as fast as the doctor would like (Although I believe it to be because you were a whopping 10 pounds at birth!). You are also finally working out of your swaddle and only getting up one time to eat AND you mastered the roll from front AND back. A couple of days ago you even scooted army style to get something Norah had.

Your old man hair is still there, although, you have some blonde coming through underneath! I think its time for a hair cut...

Bennett, those piercing blue eyes are beautiful. You love to stick out your tongue when you smile. And, nothing makes you more happy than your sister being silly to you.

No other word comes to mind other than "blessed" when we think of the wonderful addition you are to our family!

Bennett-4 Months

APril 24-May 24th. We had a fun 4th month! You weighed in at the doctor at 15 1/2 lbs and 26" long. 81st percentile for height and unsure on weight :) Doctor wanted you to come back in in a month to reweigh since your reflux was not allowing you to gain enough weight. She also gave the go ahead to start baby food! This month we did lots of things. We went as a family to Davenport to Jackson's 1st Communion. You had your first dip in the pool at the hotel and after you had your first belly laugh. Norah and your cousins were hardly doing anything and you just thought it was hilarious. We also took a trip to Kansas City for a graduation and our first weekend at the lake. This month you also started to roll over. You enjoy sitting in the bouncer and actually like watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. (Go Figure-so did your sister). Momma is looking forward to summer off and spending some 1:1 time with you lke I got to with Norah.  You also still love your swaddle AND your paci. You still get "HANGRY" at night when you wake up and we are going to start working on the self soothing to get to sleep :)

Whenever we see someone their comment is "Look at that receding hairline!".

Bennett- Three MOnths

Once again! Time flies :) Looking forward to having my summer with you. This month, you have grown out of your "infant" stage. You arem uch happier at night and are much more content just hanging out. I got you this sit me up, and one Saturday you sat in there for hours happy just looking around! March 24-April 24 included traveling to see the Havercamps (You traveled like a rockstar) and Easter!

You are starting to put your paci in your mouth yourself, and want to grab your bottle too. You still puke up quite a bit!

You love your sister and are doing lots more talking, cooing, and even belly laughing!

Bennett 2 month

Bennett! You are growing so fast! At your two month appointment you weight 13 lbs 13.5 ounces and were 22 inches long. (That is above 90th percentile for both) You are a love and starting to interact more with us. You sleep through the night MOST nights and have had an easy transition into daycare. You still have some acid reflux ickies but that doestn take away from the happy baby you are. We joke because you look like a little old man. Your hair is falling out,b ut on the top part of your head! Its really funny, BUT you are still so cute!

Bennett-1 Month

Bennett means "Blessed".

Daddy got to pick out a girl name, and I got to pick a boy name. When we were deciding I heard your name and thought it was meant to be part of our family. We have been SO blessed. God is SO good. And being given the gift of YOU Bennett has been one of the best blessings in our family.

One MONTH! Flies by. Wow. You have been a good baby and allowing mommy and daddy lots of sleep! On the night before you turned 1 month you slept EIGHT hours between feedings! Praise God. We have been given gifts of sleepy babes!

After we left the hospital you weighed 9 lbs 8 oz. (We left on a Thursday). We went back in on that Saturday to weigh in and you were 9lbs 13 oz. On Tuesday, we went in for your 1 week appt and you were past your birth weight at 10 lbs 5 oz! You are a HAAS. and eat ALL. The. Time!

Your first few nights at home you were not a night time sleeper, but taht quickly changed. After night two yo ustarted sleeping 4 hours at a time during night, then 6, and now up to 8 hours at a time!  You are a much needier baby than your sister. You certainly like to be held, snuggled, and bounced. You dont prefer to lay flat and you are not content just "being". But, thats okay because I am soaking up all the snuggles I can get while Im on my short maternity leave. Also, you HATE the bathtub! We are starting to see little smiles but no full on smiles yet!